Alaska, It Changes You -by Butch Catsidy

As you can see, there’ve been a lot of changes since my last dictation from up here in the North. My amanuensis, who I count on to publish my missives, has been off her feed of late. Her job performance has been highly questionable, and I have been concerned that I may have to find a replacement, but I think with proper management, she will overcome her remedial training process, and I do hate to conduct new hire interviews, so we’re making do.

 You may have noticed that I have a new roommate. Meet Flat Dean Marten, I did not authorize his move in. Here he is anyway, for good apparently. I place the blame for his presence squarely on my Primary Human and her frivolous bouts of dramatic melancholia and influenza. It’s been like living in a period drama here in Our Ramblin Van, like; Cat in the Age of Cholera. People, let me tell you, it’s been a long month.

Inside cats, such as myself, are typically not affected much by weather. Cloudy, rainy weather makes for excellent napping, which is my primary function throughout the day anyway so, hey, bring on the rain. My human staff, however, seem to struggle inordinately with bad weather while residing in a tiny metal structure, go figure. Apparently, humans are generally not able to nap 20 hours a day, a species defect no doubt, and that results in some angst and restlessness when confined in a van due to cloudy, wet, cold weather. Turns out, the timing of our escape to Alaska placed us here during the rainiest June in recent recorded history. Well, who knew?

Next, distant proximity from loved ones has had much more of an impact on my Primary Human than I anticipated. Cats are cool about this kind of thing, if we have a warm lap to snuggle into, we are not bothered at all by being far away from other humans we are fond of. It is a well-known fact that my Primary Human is very attached to her offspring and their offspring and is ridiculously over-the-top when it comes to a small human known as ‘Jellybean’ that falls into that category. Throw this heartsickness on top of some overly rainy June seasonal affective disorder and you’ve got yourself a real mess of a staff member.

Then, the real trouble hit. She came down with some disgusting, phlegmy, nasty illness that took her completely off her feet and out of my service entirely. Her job performance was so bad during this ‘illness’ I nearly gave up on her for good. The only redeeming thing about her for that week was that she was radiating heat effusively and that made her an extremely pleasant napping surface for me. It was during one of these heated naps, while I was caught unaware, that Flat Dean Marten popped into our lives.

My Secondary Human, the chauffeur, was left unsupervised a lot during the week of heated naps. While meandering aimlessly around, he happened upon Flat Dean Marten in a parking lot. Flat Dean was tucked under an awning with a lot of other flat forest critters. Sitting at the till, selling all the critters that he flattened, was a real, honest to goodness Alaskan trapper, like from 1898, complete with extra shaggy facial hair and crinkly, weathered eyes. My Secondary Human was entranced instantly. He couldn’t dig his money out fast enough and that is how we came to have a new roommate. Impulse purchases, they get you every time.

Alaska changes you, Flat Dean Marten used to be a fluffy forest creature with eyes, now he’s, well, a lot quieter and very still. I can respect that in a roommate, I guess. Alaska must be changing me too, hopefully not in a flattening way. It has changed my staff for sure. I think we’re past the period melodrama and impulse roommate purchasing phase now. The sun is out much more regularly, my Secondary Human is back to his driving duties and we’ve been on the move seeing some pretty spectacular stuff. My Primary Human is obviously back to her regular duties and typing my missives again. She is relieved that our route is being recalculated and taking her back to Colorado for a little travel break and family/friends’ visitation in August. I am relieved that I don’t have to replace her and am getting to know Flat Dean Marten.

Alaska, it’s wild.

-Butch Catsidy